The Razor Sword Chronicles
by Sovios Falchion Romantic
Summary: Inviso's second fanfic, it involves a Zelda fan from the future who has to save Hyrule. UPDATE: Gang warfare in Hyrule! I'm 'bout to bust a cap! Read and Review!
1. Part 1: Of Slicers and Squids

The Razor Sword Chronicles By: Bob8939 

Note from the author: I apologize for my lame guestbook entry to everyone at Kasuto's fine site. Thank you, and rest assured that this fanfic is funnier than my last one, and (maybe;-) not as crappy. There is some mild cursing, but most of it looks like this!#$&()+

Part One: Of Slicers and Squids

Prologue

One day, in July 2013, there was this kid named Lex, who liked Zelda games, fanfics, and throwing his magic boomerang-type thing called a slicer. One day he was watching a tape of a WWE PPV because he missed watching it when it came out. (It was 3:00 AM.) The doorbell rang, and Lex got up to answer it. "Lousy Wixon Dixon..." he mumbled. On the way to the door there was the sword hanging over the mantle, same as always, except...

Was it curiosity or fate that made Lex glance at the sword and notice how much it looked like the Razor Sword from Majora's Mask? "If only it-" knock! knock! "Oh well," sighed Lex as he walked to the door. "Wixon, what do you want-" he began, but stopped, for it was a fairy.

"Lex, my name is Karota, and we need your help in Hyrule!" said the fairy.

Lex, not buying it, said "I'm sorry, but we already gave you guys a check last week, and my mom's on vacation anyway. Come back in the morning, okay?" and shut the door. On the way back to the couch, however, he was stopped by the fairy.

"Lex, come on. It's time to go!" said the fairy, and with that Lex was teleported away to Hyrule.

Chapter One: Hyrule

"Okay, WHO THE HECK ARE YOU, AND WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!" yelled Lex at the fairy (Or Karota, as they call her).

"Lex, welcome to Hyrule," said Karota. "And like I said, my name is Karota, but you can call me Karo."

"I don't get it," said Lex after Karo had finished explaining. "What about Link? Isn't he supposed to save Hyrule? And why am I polygonal?"

"Lex, Link isn't here. And to stop being polygonal, you have to..." Karo mumbles something incomprehensible.

"Karo, did you just say that to stop looking like someone out of Super Mario 64 I have to walk in on Zelda butt naked! MAN you're sick! Now, if it were Impa or that cat girl from Outlaw Star..."

"Lex, I said NOTHING like that! I said you'd have to find the VGAEGA Interlock!"

"Right, what'd I say?"

"You said that instead you'd rather walk in on that cat girl...nevermind"

"Hey, it's not my fault Aisha's hot."

SCENE: HYRULE MARKETPLACE

"So, you actually slash bushes to get rupees? Cool! But where am I gonna get a sword?"

"Lex, once we find that VGAEGA Interlock, the man there will give you a sword."

"Okay," So they kept moving 'til they got there. "Hey! I'm not polygonal anymore!"

"Duh. Here's that sword"

SCENE: EN ROUTE TO THE EEL'S LAIR

"Lex, just WHY exactly would I tell you to walk in on Zelda naked?"

"I dunno, that's just what it sounded like."

"Besides, it's not ME who'd do something like that. That's more Navi's or Tatl's thing than mine."

"Yeah, forsooth or whatever."

SCENE: THE EEL'S LAIR

Lex was standing outside the eel's lair, thinking, "Man, do I wish I had a Zora Tunic. No, wait, I take that back. I hope they sell men's clothes where you get one."

Inside, there were nothing but statue puzzles, which got Lex so pissed off that he powered up his slicer and cut through the doors of each room after he screwed up the first puzzle.

SCENE: OUTSIDE THE BOSS ROOM

Just before entering the room, Lex saw a boss he'd never seen in the Zelda games. Karo said, "It looks kinda like Aarghus and kinda like that Terminan Jungle Warrior dude. You might need to know how to how to shoot arrows without a bow."

"How? Am I s'posed to read this instruction manual or somethin!"

"Well, duh!"

After learning how, Lex charged his slicer and got his arrows ready.

SCENE: BOSS BATTLE 1:KRAHNJONAK

As soon as Lex entered the room, Lex charged his slicer more and did a Grand Slicer to buy time, so he could pop the bubbles floating around. Oddly enough, he only popped one with his arrows, but the small slicers popped the rest. Angered that Lex had destroyed his only means of defense, Krahnjonak charged and released a HUMONGOUS energy blast, and, so it seemed, killed the hero with it. However, he made the fatal mistake of getting to close to the "corpse", Lex released a devastating energy bolt from most of his last amount of energy. Taken by surprise, the sideshow freak cleanly fell, by the simple expedient of having his head blown off.

Lex had won, but he was sure to die...

Chapter Two: The Market

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: PSYCHE! Are you really so crazy that you think I'd kill the hero off IN THE FIRST CHAPTER! Come on! We now return you to your regularly scheduled story.

Just then, a Heart Container fell and landed on Lex, re-energizing him.

"YESS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I'VE BEATEN KRAHNJONAK! HEY! What's that?"

"Oh, that, that's some sort of magic-meter-giving-item-thing. It's the Destruction of Evil talisman. Pick it up."

"Ooooooooooooookay, this feels wierd." said Lex as he was teleported out of the dungeon.

SCENE: HYRULE MARKET

"Hmmm... I wonder where ya'd go ta get a Zora Shirt."

"You mean tunic, don't you?" said Karo

"Heck no, I ain't wearin' no skirt! I'm too- Oof!" said Lex as he bumped into an inn. "Who's the !$#$ moron who put a !$#$ inn in my damn way! Well, whoe- hey, I can probably use this place as a base of ops! I hope the cost is on a monthly basis."

"Hey! Lex! Listen!"

"Geez Karo, you're worse'n Navi in OoT! What's your beef!"

"Well it was the only thing I could thinka to get your attention! You're s'posed to buy a Zora tunic!"

"I already told you, I AIN'T WEARIN' NO !$#$ SKIRT!"

"Well then I'll alter it once you buy one. THEN you can make this inn your Base of Ops or whatever."

"Cool. Excuse me, my good man, but I'd like to purchase that Zora Tunic on display. 500 Rs, right?"

"Yes, and thank you. Heheheheh..."

Karo, "Whatever."

SCENE: THE INN

"YAWN! Hello, I'd like to rent a room, and I'll be needing it for awhile. YAWN How much per month?" said Lex sleepily, as it was night when he got back to the market from EEL'S LAIR in the first place.

"200 rupies, monthly," said the clerk. "Thank you. Oh, by the way, tonight's special is Squid Rings, and it's included with the room. You'd be cheating yourself not to get some of it before it's all eaten."

"Okay. Hey, do you happen to know where the, uh, NEW...uh...oh! EEL's...ah! NEW EEL'S LAIR is?"

"Yes, but you can't get there by night."

"Why?"

"Ask the author."

"Okay. Hey, author, how come I can't to the NEW EEL'S LAIR by night? And how come the first two dungeons are both called EEL'S LAIR?"

"Same answer for both. 'Cause I said so, an' if ya don't like it, lump it!" I said as I caused a pair of shoes to clunk Lex in the head. "And if you want another random object to clunk ya, just say so!"

TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN I TELL HOW LEX CONQUERED THE NEW EEL'S LAIR AND KILLED.. EVIL EEL! (IF I FEEL LIKE IT;-)...


	2. Part 2: The NEW EEL'S LAIR!

The Razor Sword Chronicles!

Part 2: The NEW EEL'S LAIR

By: Inviso

Scene: The Hilly Inn

Lex yawned and rolled out of bed. "Aaah!" he screamed as he fell five feet to the floor. (It was a bunk bed.) As he landed, he of course woke up the toolbag he was sharing a room with. Said toolbag began yelling at him to keep it down, so Lex gave him the finger and donned his equipment, then headed downstairs, hoping the inn offered a free continental breakfast.

In the dining room, he saw Karo hovering around above an open issue of The Hylian Times. "Lex, listen to this," she said when she saw him. "'Local moron found dead outside NEW EEL'S LAIR,'" she read.

"Huh, I guess we'd better hurry there, then. But can I eat breakfast first?" he asked, his stomach growling.

"Oh, fine, but make it quick."

After a hurried breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, ham, toast, pancakes, waffles, syrup, cereal, OJ, and milk, our heroes set out. Karo was of course bitching at Lex for having taken so long eating so much.

"And all that meat! Are you TRYING to give yourself a heart attack?" she demanded.

"Man, I really wish I had a bottle to put you in right about now!" Lex yelled at her.

"Hey, I'm just here to look out for you. And as they say, dead heroes are no good to anyone!"

"Yeah, whatever. Hey Author, how long until we're there?" Lex griped.

"Just keep walking," I groaned. I was really getting sick of them.

"Can't you just make with, like, a horse or something?" Lex asked.

"No! You don't get the horse until you've finished your first quest! Any fool knows that!"

"Well, can't you do SOMETHING to make us go faster!"

I sighed and caused a giant foot to come out of the sky and boot Lex and Karo to their next destination.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" Lex screamed as he flew through the air. Luckily for him, he landed right in the middle of Lake Hylia. "Help! I can't swim!" Oh, for the love of--!

Luckily for Lex, there was a lifeguard on duty. He quickly swam out and towed Lex back to shore. After thoroughly admonishing Lex for flying through the air and making a splash landing in the middle of the deepest (and only) lake in Hyrule, and after making him take an hour of swim classes in the kiddy pool, he allowed Lex to continue his adventure. Lex looked around and saw that he was, indeed, at Lake Hylia.

"So, what am I supposed to do?" Lex asked Karo.

"How am I supposed to know--" Karo began, when suddenly I, for the sake of advancing the plot, caused the Monolith to appear and convey holy wisdom unto her. "Like I was saying," she continued, "since we're going to the NEW EEL'S LAIR, we need to find somewhere that eels reside."

Lex thought for a moment. A long moment. A really long moment. A moment so long, that it takes this many lines of ellipses to contain it:

(Heh, sorry, just having a little fun with Copy and Paste.)

Anyway, it suddenly dawned on Lex: "Hey, what about the Hylian Eel? Doesn't it live in the fishing pond?"

"Oh, come on, that's just an urban legend-- I mean, sure!" Karo said. "But the pond's been closed for years, so how are we supposed to get in?"

"Oh mighty Author, please render assistance in this time of need!" Lex yelled to the sky, assuming a penitent pose. Oh, sure, NOW he wants to kiss up to me!

"Pick the lock, you #$#$ing dumbass!" I yelled at him.

"With what, my looks!"

"Break off a spike of your hair, dip$#&!" Lex was infamous for his excessive usage of hair gel, hairspray, styling glue, and plaster of Paris for spiking his hair; as a result, he had the spikiest hair this side of SSJ3 Goku. Too bad he wasn't much smarter.

"Hey, I resent that!" Lex said, picking the lock and opening the door. A sudden barrage of hairbrushes, styling products, and ladies' undergarments flew out at him.

"Can't you take a hint! Someone's IN here!" the bathing woman yelled.

"S-sorry!" Lex gasped, covering his eyes with one hand, but keeping his fingers spread wide apart. Turning to me, he yelled "You said this was the fishing pond entrance!"

"It is!" I yelled. "It's not MY fault this fool is taking her bath in there!"

Suddenly, the Hylian Eel reared up out of the water and snatched the woman into his mouth. "Get off me, you pervert!" she screamed "I'm not into that sort of thing!"

Lex, realizing this was his time to act heroic, yelled, "I'll save you!" and drew his slicer, charging it up and throwing it at the eel. Unfortunately, it ricocheted off and hit Lex in the head, knocking him out for an amount of time that I am not willing to specify because it would be detrimental to my objective of writing this thing. So, if one train leaves Chicago at 8:50 AM traveling toward New York at 50 MPH and another train leaves New York for Chicago at 9:00 AM traveling at 75 MPH, atwhat time do the trains crash and burn?

Karo's attempt to figure out this little word problem gave the eel enough time to retreat into his lair with the woman in his mouth. By the time Lex awoke, it was too late, so he had no choice but to venture into the NEW EEL'S LAIR! Donning his Zora Tunic (which Karo had been too lazy to make into a shirt) and some iron boots he had somehow obtained in his sleep, Lex bravely marched into the fishing pond. And that's when I ran out of ideas.

Tune in next time, when Lex storms through the NEW EEL'S LAIR like Sherman through Georgia! (Or was that Sheridan?) And yes, I DO have to capitalize it every time!

INVISO


	3. Part 3: PH43R B33R!

The Razor Sword Chronicles!  
Part 3: PH43R B33R!  
By: Inviso 

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or FFVII. I do, however, own Lex and Karo. I also don't own 1337 or the truly horrible Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Note: A lot of the chapter is written in 1337. It's a "language" that replaces letters with similar-looking numbers to make words such as "p3n15", "d4rkn355"  
etc. If you can't tell which numbers represent which letters, here's the ones I know.

4 -A

3 -E

1 -I or L

0 -O (duh)

5 -S

7 -T

Also, rumor has it that some speakers of 1337 use "ph" instead of "f", and vice-  
versa. Thus, I will be doing that, as well.

Now, let's see, what did I promise in the last chapter? Oh, yeah, Lex would "storm through the NEW EEL'S LAIR like Sherman through Georgia" and possibly defeat Evil Eel. Right, got it. On with the fic!

"This feels really weird," Lex muttered to Karo.

"What does?"

"Breathing water through this tunic! Not to mention that the breathing of water feels weird in and of itself!"

"Well, how do you think I feel? They didn't even have any in my size! I had to buy one fitted for some pixie!" Pixies were bigger than fairies, and liked to hang out near ponds to replenish the health of heroes who had trekked there weak and weary. Unfortunately, they only lived on Koholint Island, which had long since disappeared due to the awakening of the Wind Fish. Karo had explained some of this to Lex as to the reason why Link wasn't currently saving Hyrule. Not that much of the information had made it through Lex's hair to his brain.

"Hey, I have a skull, too!" Lex yelled at me.

"Yeah, and a pretty thick one at that," I smirked.

"#$ YOU--" Lex began, but he was abruptly cut off by the sound of a supercharged blast of water heading straight towards him. He tried to jump out of the way, but the iron boots held him in place. Thinking quickly--

"Oh my god, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna--"

I SAID, THINKING QUICKLY--!

"Oh, right."

--Lex grabbed his sword from his back and assumed a defensive stance, holding the blade at a right angle to the path of the water, with the flat of the blade facing the current. The blast of water hit the sword with dead-on accuracy,  
right in the center of the blade, snapping it in half and dissipating. "Oh,  
THAT'S #$ING LOVELY!" Lex swore. "What the hell am I supposed to do without a sword!"

"Hey, dumbass, you never used it to begin with! Why are you complaining now"  
I demanded.

"Well, I-- it's-- it had sentimental value!" Lex exclaimed lamely. Tossing the busted sword aside, he muttered "I gotta find another author..." and began walking in the direction of the blast's origin. Not long after going through a pipe, he came to a turbine, which, for those of you who aren't the sharpest toolbags in the shed, is basically a fan that blows water instead of air.  
Unfortunately, it switched into reverse as soon as Lex got near it, sucking him towards it. Luckily for him, it was covered by a grating, so that our hero didn't get chopped into convenient bite-size pieces. Thinking quickly--

"Umm, you used that phrase already," Lex pointed out.

Fine then! Using his brain for the first time in a long time, Lex picked up his feet and threw all his weight behind them towards the turbine. The iron boots connected with the center of the grating, and it crumpled inwards, getting sucked into the turbine's engine. The turbine shorted out and exploded, sending Lex flying back through the pipe into the first room, where he hit his head off the wall and slumped to the ground.

"Lex, are you okay?" Karo asked.

"Y34h, 1 7h1nk 50," Lex murmured.

"Umm, what?" Karo asked.

"1 541d, y34h, 1 7h1nk 50," Lex said.

"I can't understand you," Karo said.

"It's 'cuz he's speaking in 'C0mptr 1337-5p33k'," I explained.

"What's that?"

"It's like AOL-speak, but a little easier to decipher. I'll translate," I told her.

"0h, gr34t. H3'5 pr0b4bly g0nn4 m4k3 m3 s4y 1'm g4y!" Lex exclaimed.

"Translation?" Karo asked.

I grinned evilly to myself. "He says he's gay."

"Oh." Turning to Lex, she added, "Well, good for you."

"1 kn3w 17!" Lex yelled. "J00 b4574rd!"

"That's right, I am a bastard!" I grinned. "Anyway, that turbine's gone, so you might wanna head back through the pipe now."

"F1n3, j4ck455..." Lex muttered, following my advice. As he got past the turbine, he saw a big treasure chest. Opening it, he found...

"A SHIELD!" Lex roared (after translation). "THAT'S the DUNGEON ITEM!"

"It's not just any shield," Karo explained. "It's round, so you can throw it to attack."

"THROW IT! WHAT AM I, CAPTAIN AMERICA!" he demanded.

"No, you could never be that gay," Karo said.

"1'm n07 G4Y!" Lex howled.

"Hey, what happened to auto-translating?" Karo asked me.

"Oh, sorry. He says 'I really wish I was home so I could wear my sister's dresses!'"

"Hmm..." Turning to Lex, she said, "Somehow I get the feeling that this guy's lying about you being gay."

"7h4nk G0d!" Lex yelled.

"You're welcome," I grinned. Lex flipped me off. "Ah, yes, the universal salute."

Leaving the room in which he found the shield, as it was a dead-end, Lex turned right, which was technically left for someone just coming into the dungeon.  
As he rounded the next corner, he found a giant emerald-green monster floating in a large room.

"H3y dumb455!" Lex yelled. "J00'r3 1n 7h3 wr0ng ph4nd0m!" The behemoth turned around and stared at Lex, all four of its eyes open. "Umm, 1 m34n..."

"7h4nk j00..." Emerald Weapon muttered, disappearing and leaving behind another big chest. Unfortunately for Lex, it wasn't the kind that came attached to Tifa. He took the top off anyway, revealing a laminated Dungeon Map.

"Hey, Karo," Lex began (after translation), "if this is really Hyrule, how come there are turbines and laminating machines here?"

"Don't ask me," Karo muttered. "Ask the jackass writing this thing."

"No way," Lex said in 1337. "The last time I did that, he threw some shoes at me!"

"And I'll do it again!" I warned him. (By the way, do I have to keep telling you guys he's still speaking 1337 and being translated? Because I'm getting kinda tired of it. Okay, I tell you what. He'll still speak in 1337, but the translation will be automatically understood to have occurred.)

"Hey, can we please get back to the adventure here?" Karo asked.

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your wings in a knot," I yelled at her. Lex began walking through the room that had previously housed Emerald Weapon, and continued down a side passage into a room filled with Missionaries.

"H3y, 1 7h0ugh7 7h15 w4s Hyru13, n07 S113n7 H111!" Lex protested. (In case it's hard to read, the last two words in Lex's line are "Silent Hill".)

"Fine then," I muttered, snapping my fingers and changing the Missionaries into Moblins. "Better?"

"N07 r3411y!" Lex yelled, dodging one Moblin's charge. "H0w 4m 1 5upp053d 70 b347 7h353 guy5! 1 d0n't 3v3n h4v3 7h3 h00k5h07!"

"Use your shield, dumbass!" I yelled. Lex rolled his eyes and threw the shield.  
It cleaved one Moblin's arm off, decapitated two more, and relieved the remaining three of their gonads before flying back to Lex. The three freshly-  
neutered Moblins quickly died of blood loss and burst into flames, like every good enemy corpse should, as did the recent amputee.

"H3y, 1ph w3'r3 und3rw4t3r, h0w c0m3 7h3y 57111(still) burn?" Lex asked.

"I don't know, ask Shigeru Miyamoto and the other Nintendo guys."

"Hey, Inviso, you might wanna get rid of that blood," Karo suggested. "I don't wanna get AIDS or something from breathing it."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't think of that," I conceded, snapping my fingers and making the blood disappear. Lex and Karo proceeded through the room, stopping only to take the Compass from the big chest that had appeared. In the next room, they discovered another chest, which Lex eagerly grabbed.

"You pervert!" Tifa yelled, punching Lex in the face. (She's using Underwater Materia, alright?) Lex recoiled, apologizing, and asked Tifa how she'd gotten to Hyrule. "I don't know," she said after I'd finished translating. "The last thing I remember is Emerald Weapon blowing up the Underwater Reactor, and then I'm here." Lex was sure Karo could send Tifa back to her world.

"1'm 5ur3 K4r0 c0u1d s3nd y0u b4ck 70 y0ur w0rld," Lex said, blatantly stealing from the narrative. I made sure to shoot a potato at him with my trusty slingshot for doing so. "0w!" Lex exclaimed, giving me the finger again. Turning back to Tifa, he added "Bu7, w3 g0774 g37 7hr0ugh h3r3 ph1r57."

"Shouldn't you wait outside?" Karo asked her. "It's kinda dangerous, in case you haven't noticed."

"I can fight too," Tifa informed her.

"Ph0r5007h!" Lex exclaimed, trying to set his nose back into place. "W311,  
137'5 g0."

"Hey, are you guys hearing a weird voice too?" Tifa asked.

"Yeah," Karo said. "It's just the author. If you ignore him, he might go away."

"Man, wouldn't you be screwed sideways if I did!" I yelled.

The three of them backtracked through the room until they had reached the room that had previously held Emerald Weapon. "Hey, did you beat him?" Tifa asked.

"W311, y34h, n4tch," Lex boasted.

"What?" Tifa asked.

"He said he's gay," I told her. Lex informed me that the joke was wearing thin,  
so I told the buxom barkeep what he really said.

"Wow," Tifa said. "Did you really beat Emerald Weapon?"

"Actually, he just told the thing it was in the wrong fandom, and it disappeared," Karo said. "He couldn't beat himself if he tried."

"Man, that's just sad," I said. "After all, Sigmund Freud once said 'The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.'"

"I don't think that comment's rating-appropriate," Karo informed me.

"Maybe not," I admitted. The Unholy Trinity (wait, that's Jimmy Swaggart,  
Jerry Falwell, and Pat Robertson)-- er, I mean, our heroes, continued through a hallway directly across from the doorway through which Lex had entered Emerald's room initially, and proceeded through the dungeon, solving puzzles,  
killing monsters, etc., until they reached the Boss Door.

"Hey, where's the key?" Karo asked.

"Ph43r n07, 1 5h411 p1ck 7h3 10ck!" Lex said grandly, attempting to break off a spike of his hair. Much to his chagrin, Lex found that his hair had softened underwater, and thus could not be broken. "N0000000000000000000000000000!"

"Maybe this key would help," Tifa said, pulling a Boss Key out of her shirt and handing it to Lex. He immediately recovered from his hissy-fit, and inserted the key into the lock. He turned it, and the door opened, leading into the eel's sanctum sanctorum.

"So, I see you have penetrated my inner sanctum," the eel hissed, stating the obvious.

"J00 w15h," Lex smirked, attempting to draw his sword before remembering that it had broken. Instead, he drew his shield and charged energy into it.

"Charming," the eel muttered. "Do you really think you can hurt me with a shield?"

"4c7u411y, y35!" Lex roared, throwing the shield with all his might.  
Unfortunately, it bounced off just as the slicer had, but this time Lex caught it. He prepared to throw it again, when suddenly a powerful electric current surged through the water, shocking him and the eel. When it stopped and he had recovered, Lex glared over at Tifa. "What are you doing!" he demanded.

"Oww..." Tifa groaned. "I forgot about that."

"Well, now you remember!" Turning to the eel, he was about to toss off a clever one-liner (yeah, like that's possible) when he noticed that the enormous fish-snake-thingy (note to self: find out what kind of organism an eel is) had died. "Uh, thanks," he added. The eel's remains quickly burned to nothingness,  
and Lex picked up the heart container. Moments passed before a thought struck Lex. Young Jimmy Thought then ran off with his trusty ballpeen hammer in hand,  
laughing maniacally and leaving Lex to realize something. "Hey! I'm not speaking in 1337 anymore!"

"Took you long enough to notice," Karo observed.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lex muttered. All of a sudden, the world's most evil rock band (and not in a good way) EVER showed up. Lex promptly beat them up for making music that sucked hot wet ass out the piehole and continued into the next room. Surprisingly, it was filled with air.

"You again!" the woman (you know, from the last chapter) shrieked. She threw the closest thing she could find at him, which just so happened to be the Birth of Hero talisman. Lex caught it, and everyone was teleported out of the dungeon back into the fishing pond.

"Get out!" the woman yelled. Turning to Tifa, she purred, "You can stay."

"My clock doesn't tick that way," Tifa informed her.

"Well, it's your loss," the woman sighed. Tifa rolled her eyes and followed Lex and Karo out the door to the Fishing Pond.

"So, how are you gonna get me back to my world?" Tifa asked Karo.

"Probably, the same way she got me here," Lex commented. In response, Karo pulled a Nintendo DS out of nowhere, which was odd, considering the device was larger than her. She then proceeded to draw on the touchscreen until a portal opened in midair.

"Step through, and please be sure to keep your hands and feet inside the portal at all times," Karo smirked. Tifa thanked her and was about to jump through.

"Hey, do you really have to be going?" Lex asked Tifa. "You've got some m4d sk111z0rz-- er, mad skills; I think you could really be a big help in saving Hyrule from whatever the problem is."

"Sorry, but I already have a world to save," Tifa replied. "Thanks anyway,  
though." With that, she leapt through the portal, which closed behind her.

"Well, we learned something today," Lex said.

"I agree," Karo replied.

"Yup. We learned that you can't count on Inviso to keep a story confined to one fandom."

"That you can't!" I crowed.

"Oh. I thought we learned that 1337 is unintelligible unless you're retarded"  
Karo said, slightly downcast.

"Oh, that too," Lex said, despite my protests to the contrary. "Wait, that means there are two morals to this chapter! Is that allowed?"

"Well, don't expect any morality to come out of any of the other chapters," I told him.

That's all for this chapter. Tune in next time, when... something happens!

(Insert ASCII Razor Sword here) Inviso


	4. Part 4: Bout to bust a cap!

The Razor Sword Chronicles Part 4: 'Bout to bust a cap! -or- Grand Theft Auto: Hyrule By: Inviso Inc. (with help from Sovios Falchion Romantic) 

Note: I know exactly #$ about the "proper" grammar and syntax for Ebonics, but if I'm not using them properly, and it bothers you, GO #$ A TREE! Lousy dendrophiliacs...

Also, I know naught of Kanye West and very little of rap, so I don't know if he's ever done a rap opera or if there are such things.

--Scene: The Hilly Inn.

It was a fairly peaceful morning; bees were buzzing, birds were chirping, and the sun was just beginning to creep up over the horizon. Calm tranquility abounded.

And suddenly it was all shattered.

"Yo yo yo, (name of sucky rap guy) in da hizzouse!" yelled some idiot, making the NAACP cringe and arousing Lex from his already rather aroused sleep (he was happily dreaming about Tifa). In fact, he was so surprised that he fell out of bed. (So what if I used it in the last chapter? Boy, you'd better not mess with me; I'm so fast, I'll be on you like lesbian three-way!)

"Did someone say lesbian three-way?" Lex asked, suddenly more alert than he'd ever been as he hopped to his feet.

"What? There's no lesbian three-way here! I wasn't with Navi and Tatl while you were sleeping! My double doors don't even open that way, really!" Karo exclaimed hysterically as she flew in and bobbed around directly in front of Lex's face.

Lex gave Karo a deadpan stare for almost three full minutes. When he finally

spoke, he said, "Two things. First, never mention your 'double doors' in my presence again; and second, what the hell is going on that woke me up?"

"See for yourself," Karo sighed, flying out the door. Lex deliberated upon his course of action for a moment before realizing that if he didn't do what Karo said, there would be no way to continue the story, save the day, and f-- er,  
"rescue" the girl. (Yeah, that's it...)

Moving on, when Lex entered the dining room, he was greeted by a sight that would have filled George W. Bush, Bill Bennett, Bill O'Reilly, Karl Rove, Ann Coulter, and every other white supremacist in the world with boundless rage: It was full of successful, well-to-do African-American men! Unfortunately, they were all rappers, actors, or comedians, which really says something about American society.

"I don't know about rage, but I still say George Bush doesn't care about black people," said Kanye West, in a voice suggesting that he thought he was talking to someone nearby.

"Well, duh!" I said. "Have you ever met a conservative who does?"

"True," he replied, before realizing he was talking to a disembodied voice. "Wait, who is this?"

"This is God," I boomed in my most majestic and grandiose voice. "I am most displeased with the current trend of popular music, Kanye."

"What? What do you mean 'the current trend'?"

"I'm talking about rap and hip-hop music. I have heard good things about yours, but over 90 percent of these songs today are still about being a so-called 'gangsta' or 'pimp'. I am not amused, Mr. West."

"Really? Is that why you gave me the skills?"

"Yes, because I wanted you to reform the urban music world! Continue not to limit yourself to that which has been done! Try something completely new and experimental with your next album! But be sure to write most of the music yourself; excessive sampling is forbidden! Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I could do that," he said reflectively.

"Good! But be sure to spread the word to everyone! From this day forth, it shall be known as the Gospel of Music! Not to be confused with the Gospel of Rock, of course. So, shall I have your assistance in continuing to bring originality to urban music?"

"Yeah, I'll do it!" he yelled, jumping to his feet. Everyone else looked at

Kanye as if he had lost his mind. Turning to the other rappers, he yelled "I'm gonna do an album so great that nobody'll wanna listen to you anymore! I have seen the light!" With that, he turned around and walked out of the inn, got into his car, and drove through a conveniently-placed dimensional wormhole back to his usual recording studio to work on a rap opera of some sort.

"...Crazy bitch," Chapelle muttered. Everyone agreed and went back to his breakfast.

"Wow, you must really have faith in that guy," Lex said to me.

"Not really, I just like his politics," I replied. "Besides, everyone knows that God wanted Eminem to reform popular music; Kanye West is probably the backup plan."

"Well, rap is still Rapists Articulating on Penises as far as I'm concerned" Lex replied.

"Forsooth," I agreed. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure there's a reason there are famous black men here, but I forget what it is. Although, I do get the feeling we're missing someone..."

Just then, Snoop Dogg burst into the room. "Yo, bizzle, the shizzle just hizzle the f-a-nizzle! Some crizzazy bizzle just kizzled--" Suddenly, a gunshot was heard; the rapper's eyes rolled back in his head and he fell to the floor.

"W00t! The poster-boy of Evil-bonics is dead!" I whooped. I really hate people who desecrate the English language in ways that make no sense whatsoever. (Hey, 1337 at least makes phonetic sense!) Every gangsta in the room glared at the spot on the ceiling from whence my voice emanated and began busting a cap into it; however, Lex and Karo just stared at the open door. "Hey, shouldn't you guys be chasing down Snoop's killer?" I yelled at the rappers; a bullet had just come flying out of my monitor, barely missing my head. Our heroes, however, thought I was talking to them, and ran through the door to catch a glimpse of a red-headed chick running around a corner. By the time they got around said corner, however, the woman had vanished, leaving behind an empty clip for a Tec-9. Then the cast of CSI showed up and confiscated it, leaving Lex and Karo with no clue as to the woman's identity.

"Wait a minute, you're the author! Can't you tell us who did it!" Karo asked.

"Hey, I've got my own problems up here!" I yelled back, trying to attach a riot shield to my computer screen. "Figure it out! There's a reason people are born with brains in their heads and not rocks!"

"Speak for yourself!" Lex and Karo retorted in unison.

"Argh!" I roared as a bullet grazed my shoulder. I then whipped out two Nintendo Zappers and began shooting blindly into the crowd of assailants. They quickly dropped, clusters of micro-sized tranquilizer darts sticking from their skin. (Hey, I may be terminally insane, but I could never kill someone.)

"What the hell are you talking about! You just killed Snoop six paragraphs ago!" you shouted.

"Shut up! That was a plot contingency!" I snapped.

"It's still killing!"

"JUST READ THE #$#$ STORY!" I bellowed, bandaging my wound. Moving on, Lex and Karo were each contemplating what their next move should be. Unfortunately, they were both playing Duel Monsters.

"Ha! I play Monster Reborn to revive your Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Feel its unbridled fury!" Lex yelled, reducing Karo's Life Points to zero in one turn.

"Noooo! I almost had all five pieces of Exodia!" Karo shrieked over the sounds of Lex's raucous celebratory grunts. (Yes, I know, I'm a geek; I've actually played Yu-Gi-Oh! before.)

"Hello!" I yelled. "We have more pressing matters to which we must attend, remember?"

"Tch, fine," Lex muttered, coming down from his endorphin high. "Killjoy."

"So, what should we do next?" Karo asked.

"Well, I guess we should ask those CSI guys for that clip," Lex said pensively.

"I'm glad to see you're thinking rationally about this--" Karo began.

"Or," Lex continued, ignoring her as a grin began to spread over his face, "we could always..."

--Scene: Hylian Royal Police Department, 2nd Precinct.

"Tell me again why we're doing this," grumbled Karo from her hiding place under Lex's black ski cap as he crawled through the ventilation duct.

"Because there's no way in hell they would let us just borrow a crucial piece of evidence to conduct our own investigation! Haven't you EVER seen a detective movie! We have to steal the evidence ourselves, find the crook, and bring him to them! Then, they'll offer us a spot on the force!" Lex was clearly enthralled by the idea of becoming a police officer... so much so that he missed seeing the loose grate in front of him. It gave way as he crawled onto it, sending him plummeting to the floor below. "Aaaaaaa-- OOF!" he cried. Luckily, nobody seemed to be around to notice. The first thing Lex did after getting to his feet was walk over to the wall and switch on the lights.

"You idiot! What's the point of wearing all this black stuff if you're just gonna turn on the lights!" Karo whispered.

"Well, I don't know how to see in the dark," Lex replied, sounding somewhat hurt.

"ARE YOU ON DRUGS! I'M BASICALLY A FLYING 20-WATT LIGHT BULB, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE IN THE DARK!"

"Hey! How dare you ask me such hurtful things!" Lex demanded.

"JUST TURN OFF THE DAMN LIGHT!" Karo hissed.

"Fine!" Lex retorted, snapping off the light.

Meanwhile, the janitor was out in the hall mopping. He heard our heroes' conversation and picked up his radio. "This is Ernie," he said into it. "We seem to have a couple of idiots down here trying to steal the evidence and conduct their own investigation. Should I request backup? Over." He then held the radio to his ear.

"You're listening to 93.7 KRock!" the radio replied.

At any rate, Lex had the clip, as well as the related files. His mission accomplished, he strolled out into the hall. "Hey Ernie," he called to the janitor-- err, sanitation engineer-- #$ it, he's a #$#$ janitor.

"Oh, hey Lex," Ernie replied. "Wait, how do I know your name?"

"Don't you remember?" Lex asked. "We fought against the Heartless together, and--"

"You moron, you're supposed to go Solid Snake on his ass!" Karo hissed.

"Oh." With that, Lex hocked up a loogie and spat it in Ernie's face. "Hey, why are you not falling down stunned?" he asked, puzzled.

"That wasn't a dart, was it?" Karo groaned.

"Rrrrrgh!" Ernie roared, grabbing his mop and holding it like a spear. He then lunged at Lex, who barely ducked out of the way. Lex seized the mop's handle, breaking it off just below Ernie's hand, and then snapped it across that big fat janitorial ass. Ernie shrieked in pain and passed out, so Lex dragged him into the darkened office and relieved him of his uniform. After vomiting from observing the sheer corpulence of the morbidly obese janitor, Lex donned the uniform and waltzed right out of the police station, receiving a bunch of weird looks as he did so for dancing with a mop.

--Scene: The Hilly Inn, Lex's room.

"Okay, so according to these files, the culprit had red hair," Lex was saying.

"Umm, didn't we already know that?" Karo asked.

"That's a minor technicality. Anyway, her fingerprints also match these," he replied, holding up a sheet of paper with fingerprints on it. "Why do they need fingerprints? I mean, how many people with red hair can there possibly be in Hyrule?" Lex suddenly asked.

"Well, I imagine there are a lot, considering the sheer easiness of Nabooru and her descendants," Karo said.

"That's it! A descendant of Nabooru! We'll just round 'em all up and question 'em!" Lex said.

"Brilliant!" crowed the guy from the Guinness commercials. He was promptly dragged off by penguins.

"Umm, one problem," Karo interjected. "Like I said, she was really easy, so she's got about a hundred and fifty descendants."

"DAMN!" Lex exclaimed. "She must have been pregnant with, like, quadruplets every year since she turned thirteen!"

Karo rolled her eyes. "I said 'descendants', not 'children'. There are obviously a few generations in between."

"Oh. Well, I guess it's still too many."

"Yeah. Plus, Malon's family has red hair too."

"How many great-great-great-grandkids did she have?" (I got tired of saying descendants.)

"About 5."

"Okay, then it's settled! We're gonna go question Malon's great-great-great-grandkids!" And so it was that they left the inn for Lon Lon Ranch.

--Scene: Hyrule Field

"Wait, there's one thing I don't get," Lex was saying as they traversed the path to Lon Lon Ranch.

"What's that?"

"If the Gerudos are all female, how do they reproduce? I mean, unless they're hermaphrodites-- AAAAGH! BAD IMAGES!" Lex shrieked, clutching his head and collapsing as a victim of his own perverted mind. Eventually, however, he rose,  
still greenish in color.

"Actually, Lex, they aren't. Every few years, they go up to Death Mountain and--"

"Wait, THEY DO THE GORONS!" Lex demanded. Karo nodded. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Finally, after Lex tried to beat up Karo for putting such horrible images into his head (and got his ass handed to him), they continued on their way to Lon Lon Ranch. Upon reaching it, they were shocked to find some shady-looking characters prowling about. One of these came up and accosted Lex. "Hey pal, you looking to buy a watch?" he asked, opening up his trenchcoat to reveal a diverse assortment of highly polished watches.

"Ooooh, shiny..." Lex murmured. "How much is that one?" he asked aloud, pointing to one that looked suspiciously like the watch routinely worn by Flavor Flav.

"For you, uh, 500 Rupees. Hey, quit that!" the man commanded; Lex had started to drool over the shiny watches. Karo promptly kicked him in the nose.

"Ouch!" Lex exclaimed, clutching his nose with one hand and paying the man with the other.

"Much obliged. I'll see you around, kid." With that, the man stepped back and threw a Deku Nut onto the ground, vanishing in a flash of light along with his brethren.

"Who were they?" Lex asked Karo.

"Sheikah. After the royal family was overthrown, they've had no work, so they've turned to a life of crime. That watch you've just purchased is probably stolen property."

"Do you think if we found the owner they'd repay us?"

"Probably not."

"Damn. I'm keeping this, then," Lex said, holding it up to the skies with both hands for no apparent reason.

"You got the Stopwatch!" I exclaimed. "This mysterious relic allows the user to temporarily stop time for his enemies! But, it consumes Magic Power. Use it sparingly!"

"...what the hell was that about?" Lex asked me once I had finished.

"Oh, sorry. I thought you were holding it up because you needed an explanation of its powers."

"So, basically, when I need you to explain something's purpose, I hold it up"  
Lex asked, grinning.

"Uh, no," I replied hastily.

"Really?" Grinning, Lex picked up a --certain device-- and held it up.

"You got Karo's --item--!" I shouted. "This --device-- is fairy-sized, but is one of that company's largest models even so!"

"Give me that," Karo muttered, snatching the --item-- away from Lex, who was laughing hysterically.

"Lex, I'm warning you, never make me do that again," I threatened ominously.

"Or what, you'll explain the purpose of this?" he cackled, holding up a rock.

"You got uranium!" I explained. "Its hard radiation makes you sterile."

"What!" Lex exclaimed, throwing the rock as far as he could. It crashed through a window of the barn.

"Hey, I warned you. Oops, you've got company," I notified him; a bunch of people wearing Bloods colors had begun to pour out of the barn.

"$#," Lex muttered.

"Nice going, Lex!" Karo hissed. "You've pissed off one of the local street gangs!"

"What do I do?"

"Hey, who the #& are you!" their apparent leader demanded.

"Umm, I'm Fronzel Neekburm," Lex replied, "and I really must be going, but it was nice talking to you--"

"Hold it! You wearin' the wrong colors, punk!" another Blood added.

"Oh, so the Crips put you up to this!" the leader accused, holding up the uranium. "Bitch, you're gonna die for this $#, fo' sho!"

As if all this weren't enough to make Lex wet himself, some Crips suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Yo, we found they hideout!" one yelled to his comrades.

"Shoot it up!" another suggested.

"What about this blue-head cracka? He's wearin' the colors!" Lex was still wearing his Zora tunic, and this was further complicated by the fact that he had blue hair.

"I don't remember lettin' no blue-head cracka join! Shoot 'em all!"

"Oh, #&," Lex muttered, diving to the ground as the gang members whipped out their Uzis.

To be continued...


	5. Part 5: Gotta love that beat!

The Razor Sword Chronicles

Part 5: Gotta love that Gerudo Valley beat!  
By: Inviso Inc.

Disclaimer: I don't own any poetry you might see contained herein. Just so you know, I can't even write the $#!.

Note: Yes, I know that police investigations don't work like this in real life,but come on-- this isn't real life. Also, "(word)!" means that Lex is using the arcane word of power that means word; in other words, he's using magic.

Recap: When last we left our heroes, they were caught in the crossfire of a gang war at Lon Lon Ranch. And now, we begin!

--Scene: Lon Lon Ranch

"Oh, #&," Lex muttered, diving to the ground as the gang members whipped out their Uzis. Time seemed to move in slow motion as he hit the ground. The roar of semi-automatic gunfire thundered above him. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die"  
he thought; however, strange though it seemed, he could feel his mind becoming clearer and more focused instead of panicked as the war raged on. Calmly, he reached into his tunic and pulled out his throwing knives. Rolling onto his back, he whipped them at both gangs, taking out half of their remaining numbers and wounding the rest.

"Hey, this bitch is fighting back!" he heard one of the Crips yell.

"Take him out!" a Blood yelled. Lex, however, barely noticed these words.  
Something inside of him had taken control, and he was moving on some dark instinct whose presence he had never known before. He rolled backwards as they turned their guns on him, and flipped up into the air, landing on his feet and bringing the palms of his hands to point out at them. With a primal roar, Lex fired beams of light from his hands at his assailants. The powerful waves of energy vaporized the incoming bullets and immolated the gang members in half a second. The beams dissipated a second later, and Lex fell to his knees,  
exhausted and breathing heavily.

"Lex, what...?" Karo asked, flying down to his side.

"I... don't know," Lex panted. "It's like... something was controlling me."

"Hey, what happened?" Karo asked me.

"Don't look at me," I replied. "If I tell you, it'll spoil the whole story."

"Is he gonna be okay?" she demanded in a worried tone.

"I'm... fine," Lex murmured. "Amazingly, I'm not even hurt," he added, looking himself over. "Sweet."

"That was cool!" Karo exclaimed. "Why didn't you do that when you fought Evil Eel?"

"I didn't know I could do that," he admitted sheepishly. "Well, there's plenty of time to think about it later. Right now, we've gotta find Malon's descendants."

"I think you just fried them," Karo said.

Suddenly, a red-haired girl about Lex's age ran out of the barn. "What did you do!" she demanded, running over to the charred corpses of the Bloods. "What happened to my brothers?"

"They attacked me!" Lex protested. "I didn't want to--"

"No, it's all right," she sighed. "I expected something like this to happen one of these days. You're with the Crips, right?"

"No, I'm not in a gang. Are you related to a woman named Malon?"

"Yes, why?"

"I have a few questions about the death of Snoop Dogg. You'll have to come with me."

"Oh..." she said. "Well, all right."

"What's your name?"

"Lorelei."

"I'm Lex. The fairy's Karo."

--Scene: HRPD (Hylian Royal Police Department), 2nd Precinct

Lex took Lorelei into the police station. "Now, remember, these guys just want to talk to you. Okay?"

"I guess."

"Your business?" the secretary asked.

"I have, uh, a possible suspect here in the death of Snoop Dogg. I saw her at the scene of the crime, and was wondering if you would need to question her."

"Yeah, thanks." With that, Lorelei was taken into the interrogation room.

--Scene: Outside the HRPD interrogation room

Lex paced nervously back and forth as Lorelei was interrogated. "Man, I feel kind of sorry for her."

"Why?" Karo asked.

"I don't know. I mean, I really want to be on the force, but I don't think she did it."

"But we saw her!"

"It could have been a Gerudo, though. We didn't get a good look at her outfit."

"Yeah, but--" Karo was cut off as the door opened. An officer stepped out.

"As far as we can tell, she's guilty," the officer told them.

"That can't be," Lex replied, suddenly remembering something. "The culprit's hairstyle was different."

"Lex, people CAN change their hairdos," Karo informed him.

"Yeah, so unless you can find some better evidence than that, we're taking her to court in a week," the officer said.

"...I'll see what I can do," Lex said, walking out the door, followed by Karo.

--Scene: Outside Gerudo Valley

"We're going to Gerudo Valley?" Karo hissed the next day, hidden inside Lex's hair. "The Gerudo are in charge of all the organized crime here! They have nearly unlimited resources and really tight security, too! Are you suicidal or something!"

"Nope. I'm gonna see who's in charge and get her to tell me who was behind it."

"Why do I always go along with your crazy schemes?" Karo moaned.

"I don't know. It's not like I say you have to." With that, Lex began walking down the trail into the valley. They reached the valley without problem, only to find the bridge impassable, for the simple reason that it was in the "up"  
position.

"Oh, well, foiled by drawbridge technology, let's go," Karo said hastily.

"No way. There's a switch right over there, so I'm gonna see hit it and what happens," Lex said, pointing. He then threw his shield at the switch, only to have it fall short just as it reached the other side of the valley. "Damn."

"Can we go now?" Karo asked.

"What is your problem, Karo?" Lex asked.

"I just don't wanna go to Gerudo Valley, okay?" Karo replied, in a tone indicating she would have rather not talked about it.

"Well, too bad." With that, Lex threw his slicer. It hit the switch and flipped it, lowering the bridge, but got stuck in the handle. Lex promptly crossed and pulled it out, then picked up his shield. In its dull silver surface, Lex saw a blurry, purplish shape standing behind him. He whirled around, throwing the shield at his adversary, who turned out to be a Gerudo, as he had expected. The projectile ricocheted off her ankle, knocking her down. Whipping out one of his knives, Lex pounced on her and brought the blade to her throat. "Tell me what you know and I might not kill you!" he hissed.

"Easy there, ladykiller," the Gerudo grinned smugly. "Why don't you just chill out?" Lex suddenly tensed up, feeling a sharp pain in his leg before he was encased in ice. He strained against it, attempting to break free. "Sorry,  
handsome, but that's not gonna do you any good. We've recently improved our Ice Arrow spell," the Gerudo taunted, effortlessly knocking him away. Lex landed on his back a couple yards away, unpleasantly surprised to feel that the ice didn't break. He was quickly encircled by a group of Gerudos with bows. Every time the ice thawed, they shot him again, but never in a mortal area of his body. Lex could feel his body slowly shutting down. "Hey, this one has a fairy!" he heard a Gerudo say. Before he fell unconscious, he heard the first Gerudo commanding the others. "Toss him in the drink," she said.

Lex awoke hours later, soaking wet and freezing. "Karo?" he asked.

"Right here," he heard her reply. Looking around, he saw her hovering near a wall behind him.

"Where are we? This doesn't look like Lake Hylia."

"Why would we be there?" Karo asked.

"She said to toss me in the drink," he responded, looking around to see that he was in the cell featured in OoT. However, it now had a locked grate over the opening in the ceiling.

"No, she said the clink," Karo told him. "Being frozen isn't good for your hearing, though, believe me."

"Yeah, I guess not," Lex grinned, before starting to laugh.

"Hey, what's so funny?" Karo asked.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just laughing at how easily I was brought down. They could have killed me. It's kind of strange, actually..." he said, suddenly pensive.  
"Why didn't they kill me? It would have been easy, what with me being frozen and all..."

"I don't know, but they came pretty close."

"Okay, once we get out of here, I'm not coming back," Lex resolved.

"If we get out of here," Karo amended.

"Well, I can just pick the lock--" Lex began, reaching up to break off a spike of hair before realizing that it had softened. "Damn."

"They took all your weapons, too," Karo pointed out.

"I guess this means we can't help Lorelei," Lex sighed. "Wait, do I still have my--"

"Iron boots? Nope, they took those too."

"What about my Zora tunic? They'd better not have taken that!"

"Umm, look down."

Lex did so, only to find that he was wearing nothing but his skivvies. "$#!"  
he swore. "What the hell am I supposed to do, shift into the Spectral Realm and phase through the gate?"

"Raziel you ain't," I informed him.

"Shut up, Auth-- hey, that's it!" Lex exclaimed. "You can help get us out of here!"

"Lex, you know the rules, I'm not allowed to help you."

"Since when do you care about rules? You cheated in every video game you ever owned!" Lex retorted.

"True... Aw, hell, just this once," I grinned, lighting a fire in the center of the cell.

"A fire? How's that gonna help?"

"Observe." With that, I slowly poured gas through the grating into the fire.  
"See, the grating is made of magnesium, and--"

"Gas burns hot enough to ignite it!" Lex finished. Karo and I looked at him strangely. "What? I'm allowed to know stuff!"

"I wanted to say it," I grumbled. After a few seconds, the grate had been burned completely, its ashes collected in a pile in the center of the fire. "Know anything else about magnesium?" I asked, extinguishing the flames.

"Oh yeah, the ashes are heavier than the metal itself. These could come in handy," Lex said, picking up a large piece of magnesium ash. "AAAAAH! IT'S HOT"  
he screamed in pain, dropping the chunk.

"That's odd, considering that you'd expect a piece of magnesium oxide that was just in the middle of a GAS FIRE to be FREEZING COLD!" Karo snapped, smacking Lex upside the head.

"Hey, you guys might wanna shut up before you wake up the guards!" I cautioned.

"Oh, right," Lex said. He picked up another chunk of ash, which had by this time cooled to a manageable temperature, and attempted to put it into his pockets.  
Realizing he had no pockets, however, he did the next best thing. "Ahh..." he sighed, a smile spreading across his face.

"Eww!" Karo cried, covering her eyes.

"Whoa, Lex, calm down!" I commanded.

"What?" he asked, then looked down. "Oh, right. Sorry." He then proceeded to fill his underwear with as many large magnesium ashes as he could find, then jumped up at the opening, grabbing onto the edge and climbing out. "Okay, the first order of business is finding some clothes," he winced, feeling the ashes shift as he got to his feet.

"I think they put them in here," Karo said, hovering in front of a nearby door.  
Lex went in, only to find the room occupied by two Gerudo guards. Luckily, they weren't facing him. Thinking quickly, Lex threw a rock (chunk of ash, whatever)  
into a distant corner. The guards quickly ran over to it, allowing Lex to grab the item in the nearest corner. Unfortunately, it was only his shield. Still, it gave him the ability to throw something heavy enough to knock someone out-- an ability which he tested on the guards. "Well, at least you've got some clothes"  
Karo said.

"Are you nuts? These are women's clothes!"

"So? It beats running around nearly naked, doesn't it?"

"Well, okay," Lex grinned, realizing something. He quickly stripped one of the Gerudos of her clothes, only to find... "Censored bars?" he asked, puzzled.

"Well, what did you expect, you pervert?" I asked.

"Bastard," Lex muttered, donning the outfit and noticing something shiny nearby.  
"Hey, a sword!" he grinned, picking it up off the ground. It was actually a scimitar, but Lex was not one to worry about particulars. "Well, that's that"  
he said. "Now to get the rest of my gear back." Lex scanned the room, but found no more equipment, so he went back out into the hallway. "Hey, Karo, did you see where they put anything else?"

"Maybe in here...?" she replied, flying up to another door. Lex opened it and entered, but found himself in a room filled with Stalfos. They quickly turned to face him, groaning in displeasure.

"What, you want a piece of me?" Lex grinned, drawing his scimitar and donning his shield. Assuming a fighting stance, he called "Let's dance, boys!"

"Let's kill this cracka!" one of the Stalfos said to its comrades. They responded in kind, drawing their swords and advancing on Lex.

"Wait, Stalfos are black?" you asked.

"Sure, why couldn't they be?" I replied.

"Because skeletons are racist."

"How so?"

"The only time they're black is when they're burnt."

"You're thinking of toast, you baka!" yelled Sovios, appearing from nowhere.

"I thought toast was sexist," I said.

"No, toast is racist, not sexist." (Inside joke between Sovios and Noah, sorry.)

"Hey, do you mind narrating me kicking some bony ass!" Lex demanded, doing his best to dodge three different slashes at once. (Hey, Stalfos are big enough that only three would fill a room!)

"Oh, sorry." With that, I turned my attention back to the fight.

One of the Stalfos had cornered Lex and pinned his shield-arm to the floor with his leg. The skeletal warrior drew back his arm to deliver the fatal blow. Just before the stroke fell, however, Lex rolled into the Stalfos' leg with all his might, knocking the monster down. From behind it, Lex brought his own blade down on its skull, crushing it. The other Stalfos, who had been keeping their distance up until now, began to cautiously move in, circling around Lex. In response, Lex assumed a different stance, holding his shield and his sword out to his sides, and began charging energy into them. The skeletons saw him stop in this position, and began running toward him. At the exact moment they leaped forward to do a lunging downward slash enough to slash him, Lex jumped in the air and whirled around, releasing the energy in a beautiful wave of deadly blue energy. The Stalfos were hurled against the walls of the room, where they shattered into fragments of bone. Lex landed half a second later, panting. "Cracka-WHAT!" he grinned. Karo just stared at him. "What?"

"That was the legendary Whirling Blade attack! Where did you learn that!" Karo asked, clearly awed.

"Oh, that? My mom taught it to me."

"Your mom must have been pretty damn formidable," Karo said. Lex just shrugged,  
grinning.

"Let's see, is there anything of use in here?" he asked, looking around the room. The floor in one corner was covered with sand, so he went over to it and began digging. Suddenly, he cut his finger on something sharp. Sucking on his bleeding finger, he continued digging, more carefully this time, until he unearthed his supply of throwing knives. He picked them up and put them back in their pouch, which had been buried underneath, then attached the pouch to his sash. (The Gerudo wear sashes, remember?) He then walked out of the room through a nearby exit that had been blocked during the fight to find himself in a large open chamber with a plant of some sort in the middle, surrounded by a pool of stagnant water. It was rather sunny inside, which was odd, considering that it was the middle of the night--

"Hey, you stole that from a Lewis Carroll poem!" Lex accused as the door behind him was covered by a locking device.

"LA LA LA LA I'm not LIStening LA LA LA!" I replied, my fingers in my ears.

"Whatever. I have a bad feeling about this..." Lex's fears turned out to be well-grounded, as none other than Flaahgra erupted from the center of the plant. "Hey, how the #$ am I supposed to fight this thing!" Lex demanded, jumping out of the way of its sweeping attack. "I don't even have a Chozo Power Suit!"

"Dude, Samus BARELY had hers, and she managed to beat it!"

"With missiles, bombs, and the CHARGED POWER BEAM!"

"You can charge your slicer! That should do WAY more damage than blunt or concussive force!"

"Oh, fine!" With that, Lex leapt into the fray, throwing his shield at the back of the lone UV light dish. The shield knocked it into the closed, "off" position, and Lex caught it on the way back, then charged up his slicer and whipped it at the gerbil-like plant creature. It split into a cloud of small slicers, which began hovering about Flaahgra's roots, tearing them apart with each passing second. After about thirty seconds, however, they reformed into one and returned to Lex. As two UV dishes flipped into position, however, it became apparent that Flaahgra, was far from beaten, much to Lex's chagrin. Its body whipped forward, and Lex barely managed to avoid the corrosive gas produced by the plants it summoned. Throwing his shield at the first UV dish, Lex noticed that he was running low on magic power. Luckily, only one of Flaahgra's roots remained to be dealt with; however, it was rather thick. Gripping the hilt of his sword tightly, Lex rolled out of the way of another sweep of Flaahgra's mantis-like arm-blades and whipped his shield into the back of the other UV dish, then ran toward the temporarily stunned Flaahgra and lunged forward as he reached the edge of the pool. Pain surged through his lower body as his legs landed in the acid with a splash, and he quickly pulled himself out with a forward roll. Drawing the scimitar and setting his teeth against the pain, he drove it into the root and began cutting away at it furiously. Flaahgra's attacks could not reach him in this position, but even so Lex was injured by the creature's poison. Finally, however, the last root had been severed, and Flaahgra let out a great roar of agony, collapsing upon Lex as it died.

"Lex!" Karo called. There was no response.

Lex, meanwhile, was hurting badly. He was having a hard time breathing, which should come as no surprise when you consider that an enormous plant weighing in all likelihood at least a ton had fallen on him. It was sheer luck that Lex had been trapped in a hollow in the underside of Flaahgra's base, or else he would have been crushed entirely. "So, this is the end," he thought. The acid had entered his bloodstream, and even if it didn't kill or cripple him, there was no way he could lift the massive flower. His only hope lay in his mysterious powers, powers which he could neither understand nor control. "Please, if you're there, help me," he thought, searching his mind for any hint of strength. He found none. Despairing, he took his knife and was about to cut himself when he felt it-- a burning rage inside him. Intrigued, he forced his consciousness toward it, into it, merging them into one. With a deep breath, he began charging the energy into his body, willing it to take the form of the one thing he knew could destroy a plant.

Outside the hollow, Karo was frightened. "Maybe I was wrong," she thought. "Maybe he's not--" Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of a sudden blaze of blue flame engulfing and immolating Flaahgra's remains. It quietly dissipated a second later, and there, lying in the middle of the ashes, was Lex. He got into a kneeling position and sat still, gasping for breath, as she flew over to him. "Lex, that was incredible! I thought you were done for!"

Ignoring her, Lex turned to me and asked, "Hey, do I at least get a heart container for that?"

"Oh, sorry!" I replied. "How about this, instead? Every time you defeat a boss, it makes you stronger automatically."

"Well, whatever," Lex responded. "Does that include Evil Eel?"

"Yeah, of course," I said.

"Good." Lex tried to get to his feet and cried out in pain. "Damned acid!"

"Well, you shouldn't have to worry about it for long," Karo said. "There's some kind of oil coming up from under you."

"How does that help?"

"Haven't you ever read the Nancy Drew books?" I asked. "Mineral oil somehow counteracts acid."

"Nancy Drew, huh? That explains a lot," Lex grinned as the acid was neutralized.

"Hey, #$ you!" I retorted, throwing a book of some sort at Lex. He grinned and calmly plucked it out of the air, then opened it.

"What the freak is this crap?" he asked.

"It's a spellbook--" I began.

"No, that's the title of one of the poems in here."

"Oh, that book..." I grumbled.

Clearing his throat, Lex began to recite:

"I float by on an umbrella over a sea of red.  
The sun stains the horizon a shade of turquoise.  
The scene is a dog returning to its owner.  
What the freak is this crap?

"I dream of midgets scampering over my ashen body.  
The dream police patrolling my thoughts ever so vigilantly

Arrest the midgets who desecrate my memory.  
What the freak is this crap?

"My doppelganger and I rest in the forest.  
The wind mitigates; the trees become impassive.  
All is deathly still; yet, we continue swaying.  
What the freak is this crap?

"I float past Jupiter, clinging to my rocket,  
Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling to the finish.  
The rocket is a moon with no orbit.  
What the freak is this crap?"

Closing the book with a grin, Lex added, "That was a cool poem. Did you write it?"

"Hellz no," I replied. "Some guy with no name at Sovios' school wrote it. Do you honestly believe I can write something so profoundly shallow, so perfectly imperfect?"

"Well, you are writing this story," Karo commented. I smote her with a different, heavier book.

"Hey, it says this book is a spellbook!" Lex exclaimed, opening it. "Hey, it's blank!"

"Well, duh!" I replied. "You have to write the spells in yourself. But hey, it comes with a complete glossary of the most popular words of power in the back!"

"Hmm, let's see," Lex murmured, opening to the back of the book. "Death, yep. love, okay... PENIS?" Looking at me, he demanded, "Why would I ever need to know THAT word!"

"Well, in case you're compensating for something," I smiled innocently.

"I'm not!" Looking back in the book, Lex noticed something. "Hey, dumbass, the only other word in here is 'poison!'"

"Hey, chill out, it's not like I picked what words went in there. I got the damn thing at the Occult Dollar General down the street, okay?"

"Cheap bastard," Lex muttered.

"I'M POOR!" I yelled, causing the earth to quake from the might of my voice.

"My mistake," Lex replied, a sweatdrop floating by his head. Suddenly, a brain-wave pulsed through Lex's head. "Hey, maybe I can..." Flipping to the back of the book, Lex drew a knife and cried "(Poison!)" The knife remained unchanged, however.

"Lex, your magic power's been depleted for a while now," Karo reminded him, slowly rising from the ground.

"Oh yeah. Damn." With that, Lex proceeded to the door across from the one by which he'd entered. Inside the corridor that followed, he found plenty of destructible objects containing recovery items, just like in Metroid Prime. After he had healed, he continued onward, only to discover a Gerudo waiting for him in front of the door to the next room.

"Hello, boy," she grinned. Lex tensed up, drawing his sword. "Now, now, there's no need to fight," she purred, spreading her hands to show that she was unarmed. "I see you've defeated Flaahgra," she began as Lex stood down. "I must thank you for that; that bastard's been polluting our water for the past month. So, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to let you join us."

"Really?" Lex asked.

"Sure. Here you go," she replied, handing him a scrap of carved wood, which read "Henceforth, the bearer of this card shall be considered one of the Gerudo. As such, said bearer shall benefit from all privileges enjoyed by the Gerudo."

"Wow, thanks!" Lex exclaimed, tucking the card into his sash.

"No problem, although you'd better get changed into some men's clothes or nobody'll take you seriously."

"Yeah, where did you stash my tunic, anyway?"

"Follow me." The Gerudo led Lex into the next room. "This is the armory."

"I thought I just raided the armory a few pages back," Lex asked.

"No, that was the arsenal."

"Hey, you said ar--" Lex began, before being kicked in the face by Karo.

"Anyway, you might like to have this armor instead," she told him, gesturing to a familiar-looking suit. "It was owned by--"

"Ganondorf, I know," Lex replied grimly.

"Actually, this one was owned by Chuck Norris. That one was owned by Ganondorf," she said, pointing to a suit in a glass case.

"My mistake," Lex said after a moment. "Anyway, I think I'll just take my tunic."

"Suit yourself, but this is a one-time offer. Unless, of course, you can prove you're worthy of wearing it again."

"Maybe I will," Lex grinned. "Ah, hell, I can always buy another Zora Tunic. I'll take the armor."

"Good choice." The Gerudo looked away as Lex donned the suit.

"How do I look?" Lex asked when he had finished.

"Amazing..." the Gerudo breathed. "Except for the hair and skin color, you look almost exactly like the great Ganondorf!"

"I do?" Lex turned to regard himself in a nearby Mirror Shield. "Holy $#, I do!"

"Well, you can always worry about changing your appearance later," Karo told him. "In the meantime, we need to find out what these guys know about Snoop Dogg."

"Snoop Dogg?" the Gerudo asked.

"Yeah, I need to find his killer and turn her in to free Lorelei."

"Well, you'll have to complete the training course," the Gerudo told him. "Tell the woman there that I sent you, and she'll let you in for free."

"Wait a minute," Lex asked. "Won't I need a Hookshot and the Silver Gauntlets to get through?"

"No, that's the advanced course. You only have to go through the beginner's course."

"Okay, cool!" With that, Lex ran out of the armory and headed to the pool room, going out a side door to find himself outside the fortress. Looking down from the edge of the platform, he saw a Gerudo waiting outside a grated doorway. Lex jumped down and landed in front of her.

"You! How did you escape!" Lex flashed the membership card. "Oh, dammit. I suppose you'll be wanting to take the training course?"

"Yeah, and that chick who gave me this card told me--"

"Yeah, yeah, this time it's free. Get in there." With that, she clapped her hands, and the grate opened. Lex went inside.

To be continued!

What perils will Lex face in the Gerudo Training Center beginner's course? Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you that now! WAIT AND SEE, MORTAL!

(Note to the anonymous author of "What the Freak is This Crap?": If you're reading this, please note that "profoundly shallow" and "perfectly imperfect" are high praise from me, as I usually describe my thoughts on poetry with the simple phrase "so what?")


End file.
